22 November 2009

I Cannot Undo Myself

Its always when you think everything is going so well that the scale gets tipped and everything falls to pieces...again.
Recently, I have been so pleased with life. I visited my two best friends in their new homes and had amazing adventures with both of them in the past two months. I went to Breckenridge with some of the people I care about the most in this world. I am happy at work, I am making such good friendships and really treasure every conversation. I have a wonderful cute little puppy who makes me sigh and smile just thinking about him. I have a new man in my life who is amazing and honest and fun and supports me and talks to me and listens to me.
And yet, tonight I am home alone, on my bed, Reuben in his kennel, and I'm crying, because everything seems so shitty. I made the decision to stay in Colorado this summer because I thought everything would fall apart if I moved. It was too fast and I was scared. But nothing got solved. In fact, I'm pretty sure things just got worse. My boyfriend of two years and I broke up, I realized I missed the chance of moving to the place I want to be, Oregon, with two of my best friends, and I am still stuck here in Denver...the one place I cannot stand.
Why, why Kaitlin, what are you doing?
Here are my frustrations:
- Reuben is so much work - he has chewed everything, I probably don't own a piece of clothing without chewed holes in it, he has mostly been good with training, but recently he runs away from me, escapes out of the backyard, doesn't listen when I say no, and still bites me so hard I have bleeding cuts on my hands and arms.
- I don't have any really good girlfriends nearby that I can go to coffee with or sleepover or get drunk with or cry with. It's just not the same on the phone and I miss you both sooo sooo much.
- My family is in shreds - I never talk to my sisters, I avoid my mother at all costs for no reason, and when my dad called me a couple weeks ago I prayed I would get his voicemail so I wouldn't actually have to have a real conversation with him.
- I am interested/dating this guy that I can't even talk about because work won't allow it and every day I am forced to lie by omission to my friends about it because we would both get fired. Not to mention, I hardly ever get to see him because he works the total opposite of my schedule, so opposite that I can't even call him when I get off because he is sleeping, and he can't call me when he gets off because I am going into work.
I am tired of not being in control of my life. I want to go to grad school but I am so freaked out of more loans. And applying is a freaking dinosaur too. I want to move to Oregon but the economy sucks so I can't afford it. I want to travel the world but I have $0 savings. I want to love my family for what they are and not resent them for what they aren't. I want to be with the people I love constantly and my heart seriously breaks every time I have to leave. I want a companion - so I got a dog and love him to death but have such a hard time with him. I want a person who I can share my life with, who will share my burdens and take over for a minute so I can cry, or sleep, or watch a movie, or just be absent for a second. I want to write poetry again, and not "college girl" poetry.
So there it is...the overblown, exaggerated broken shards of my life. And my room smells like dog fart and my sweatshirt is covered in my dinner and puppy's blood (he lost his first tooth tonight) and my toes are cold. And I am totally broke til Friday.
And I miss you all so much. Its unbelievable how much.
The theme the other night at work was "Be chipper." We had a call-out and were working with people who are way less than stellar at their jobs. So here's my reminder to myself, reasons to be chipper:
- Thursday is Thanksgiving, my favorite food and favorite time of year. And Lisel and Claire time.
- Reuben likes to chase his tail and catches it and yanks on it so hard he almost falls over. Cute. And he is the softest puppy in the world.
- Last night an old friend came back to town and while driving him around, he said I would be such a good mother because I am so sweet and would love my kids so well. He totally doesn't know how much that means to me.
- I have new sheets from IKEA - they are eggplant purple. And a new duvet cover that is lime green and vintage=y.
- Caitlin and I went shopping in Portland and fell in love with it. And I got my first dress from Anthropolgie!
- I have friends at work who remind me every day of how beautiful I am.
- I am almost done reading the Harry Potter series - two more books to go.
- I may be applying for a Payroll and Benefits Specialist job at Whole Foods - which would be a raise, fun, challenging, and would make me feel successful and like a college graduate. (it's at a new store which would be hard, Kyle's store actually...but maybe its worth it. Then I could actually date the boy from my store publicly.)
- Maybe I'll ask for a bike for Christmas. I really really want a new one...cute old vintage cruiser/road bike. :)
- I get to sleep in tomorrow.

21 July 2009

A Day in the Life of Kaitlin

This is a day in the life of me: photo journal version. Some new things in my life, some food that I enjoy, and some things I do for fun.

My pretty new bed sheets, so soft and smooth. 420 thread count. Sheets are totally my weakness. I love slipping into bed and feeling luxurious.

My cucumber and cream cheese sandwiches. Cukes, salt, a little white wine vinegar, cream cheese and some bread. Yum yum. And some orange cream soda from Whole Foods.

Dessert is fresh sliced strawberries with powdered sugar! So sweet and syrup-y.

Cute little undies from Victoria's Secret. Love the polka dots.

I ended the night chatting with my sweet Danica and looking at hundreds of photos from amazing women photographers. Wedding, portraits, family, engagement...these girls make art out of the everyday. Check out Amelia Lyon: http://www.amelialyon.net/
Makes me want to get married just so I can put up photos this pretty all over my house!

07 July 2009

Just for Fun II

45 of the most random things you probably never needed to know about someone
Created by kat-n0s-kung-fu and taken 587440 times on Bzoink
whats your name spelt backwards?: niltiak
What did you do last night?: Went out to dinner with an old friend, hung out with Matt and his friends, ate popcorn with Caitlin, hung out with Kyle.
The last thing you downloaded onto your computer?: My Comcast bill
Have you ever licked a 9 volt battery?: Nope
Last time you swam in a pool?: A week ago! Too long!
What are you wearing?: Tank top and pretty lacy panties
How many cars have you owned?: One, Celeste!
Type of music you dislike most?: Country
Are you registered to vote?: Yep
Do you have cable?: Nope
What kind of computer do you use?: MacBook: black
Ever made a prank phone call?: Yep, middle school craziness
You like anyone right now?: I like almost everyone I meet
Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving?: Sky diving
Furthest place you ever traveled?: Poland
What's your favorite comic strip?: Calvin and Hobbes
Do u know all the words to the national anthem?: Probably not
Shower, morning or night?: Night
Best movie you've seen in the past month?: Silly: Confessions of a Shopaholic Serious: Blindness
Favorite pizza toppings?: Supreme or Mediterranean
Chips or popcorn?: POPCORN!!!
What cell phone provider do you have?: Verizon!
Have you ever smoked peanut shells?: Seriously?
Have you ever been in a beauty pageant?: No way
Orange Juice or apple?: Simply Orange with Mango
Who were the last people you sat at lunch with?: Donovan
favorite chocolate bar?: Chocolove Milk Chocolate with Toffee
Who is your longest friend and how long?: Staci: gosh, it's been 8 years?
Last time you ate a homegrown tomato?: Yum, I think last summer
Have you ever won a trophy?: Yes, in soccer
Favorite arcade game?: Umm...laser tag?
Ever ordered from an infomercial?: Nope
Sprite or 7-UP?: 7-Up
Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school/work?: I wear a chef's coat at work
Last thing you bought at Walgreens?: Probably Ibuprofen or Dramamine
Ever thrown up in public?: Yep
Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love?: Finding true love
Do you believe in love at first sight?: No, but crazy intense attraction: yes
Did you have long hair as a young kid?: Yes, very long!
What message is on your voicemail machine?: "Hey it's Kait, tell me something Great"
Where would you like to go right now?: To sleep
Whats the name of your pet?: Future pet: Caroline
What kind of back pack do you have, and what's in it?: Camelback, its empty
What do you think about most?: Moving
You've been totally Bzoink*d!
Take This Survey | Search Surveys | Create a Survey

06 July 2009

Timing is everything...

My life has been spinning in chaotic circles this summer. Oy! My future has never been so unsure and my heart has never been so distracted and anxious. That same anxiety I wrote about awhile ago, only so much more intense since my future plans have changed 18 times in the past week and a half. Here's what all my options are, essentially:

1. Eugene, OR: The original plan was to move with Cait and Matt to Eugene...we all wanted to go to Oregon, so we all waited anxiously to find out where Matt would get accepted for law school. Lucky for him, and us, he got into U of O in Eugene. We then all began planning our future there. We would all live in a house, buy puppies, and *cross your fingers* find good jobs.
Conundrum: I started getting super super worried about finding a job in the state that has one of the worst unemployment rates right now, I got nervous about moving to Eugene, since I had originally wanted to move to Portland, I got nervous things would be way too stressful and that I was infringing on Cait and Matt's crucial first years of marriage.
Comfort: I would be living with two great friends and we would have each other during the stress of moving, and have the beginnings of a community we all felt comfortable in. I would have a puppy!! I would still be in beautiful Oregon.

2. Portland, OR: My back-up plan, when I started getting freaked out at the thought of Eugene, was "okay Kait, you can still just move to Portland on your own...you can be strong and do it alone." So I looked up shared rooms on craigslist, and one bedroom apartments, and got really disheartened. I emailed a few people but everyone needed someone by July. It seemed I was looking too soon, but to me, my August 14th move out date felt like tomorrow and I wanted to find a place now. Stablity now!!
Conundrum: Moving alone, knowing only two people in the whole city (a different married couple that I know that lives in Vancover, WA, 20 minutes from Portland), being alone in a big city, having to rebuild a community of friends and being to stressed out to see that as a fun adventure.
Comfort: Knowing Katherine and Caleb close by, getting a puppy, being in Portland and being strong enough to follow my dreams regardless of fears and challenges, transferring to a Whole Foods in Portland, thus solving the stressful job situation.

3. Denver, CO: Finally, after chatting with a close friend/boss at work, and really hearing his advice about moving cross-country, I started allowing myself to realize maybe this timing is all just off. Nothing was falling together well, my money saving wasn't going as well as I planned, my anxiety was kicking my ass and making me not even want to go anywhere! But if I stayed for a bit, I could get the raise in August and keep making a higher amount than I would probably get anywhere else just starting off, I could stay in this community that I love and figure everything out, and I could save way more money, and maybe make time to travel, like to Hawaii to stay with my dad for a month or so.
Conundrum: Staying in Denver and feeling like I've given up on my dream, or just postponed it for even longer. Having to deal with another CO winter and not being excited about that. Finding somewhere to live here: mom's (too far), Chelsea's (too far)...somewhere? With a stranger?
Comfort: Staying with all the friends I've made and treasure so much, having a secure job that I love (most days), getting a puppy!! Saving more money so that I can actually afford to move and not be stressing about that on top of everything else.

Soooo....with all of these choices, basically everyday for the past week and half/two weeks, I would wake up every morning and have my mind made up, and I would eat lunch and decide on a different plan, and I would try and go to sleep but choose a different in my restlessness. AWFUL!!
But the best news ever is that I have solidified (for the most part) what I am truly going to do. It all just fell together, and the timing feels right, and its the most content I've felt so far about any of those above plans.

4. Denver, CO: My new plan is to stay in Denver for at least 6 more months, move in with so awesome friends from work, live even closer to work that I am now (which seems impossible: now I live 1 mile away, with them I will live like .75 miles away). There is a house they are planning to rent with 3 bedrooms, dogs are totally allowed, its super close and keeps my rent super cheap and about the same as I've been paying. Plus, I get so excited to live with them because they are soo freaking fun! I'll get to buy my sweet little puppy Caroline, and save money for moving (whenever that will end up being), go to Hawaii for January and see the whales. Then I'll have a place to live when I come back, but can also pick up then and leave for Portland if I want. Also, I am planning (for the most part) to enroll in grad school in the fall of 2010. I want to go to Reed College in Portland, so moving up there right before school would work, or I could move in the spring of 2010 and get settled in and then go to school in the fall.
Conundrum: Pretty much nothing...
Comfort: Pretty much everything...

I don't feel like I am giving up, I feel like I am making the smart choice and waiting for the right time when my mind and my financials and everything else important is all in line and content. I don't feel like I am abandoning anyone, I feel like I am going to grow a lot by living with new people, by investing in this community I love for a little bit longer, and being around my family for a little longer than I thought. I don't feel like I am letting anxiety get the best of me and letting it keep me stuck in a place I've told myself I don't want to be. I feel like I am making adult choices but also discovering my boundaries, what I can handle, what I can't handle, and what I will refuse to handle.

Let me know what you think...I am loving all kinds of advice right now and I would love to hear your moving stories, or horrors, your worries or fears that you've conquered or diverted, or the beauty you have found in doing the scary thing and finding it totally safe.

22 April 2009

You have a library card, now use it!

First of all, Happy Earth Day. I hope you are all making choices in your lives to live more "green," and not because its trendy, but because you care a little extra.
I find it ironic that recently my most enlightened times of the day are at night, after everything is closed, like the library. Or after the sun goes down, so I can't go outside and get some Vitamin D. I have been working really strange schedules recently, which unfortunately includes working on my days off...ugh. But still, I find no time for things I really love. I read maybe 20 minutes a day, definitely not enough. I sleep 12 hours a day, definitely too much, but that I blame on my new wonderful bed. I just seemed to have side-tracked somewhere and have forgotten my priorities. I really appreciated that about school. The activity of my brain made me so much more motivated to do not only school work but all kinds of other stimulating things. I have written two poems since last May. That is so unbelievably heartbreaking to me. I love writing and writing does such beneficial things to my mental state. It is such a subconscious letting go and release.
My sweet friend just suggested today to practice "raw" eating or perhaps body cleansing and fasting for a bit. Just to kind of jolt our bodies back to health and wellness. I am really excited about it because recently my body image has been consuming my thoughts unnecessarily. It's almost summer so I guess that stimulates this kind of thought. I also started taking birth control a couple months ago and its definitely affecting my body, growing things and changing moods and, hormones are just crazy to your body. Regardless, I have also been slacking on eating a well-balanced diet and I have been eating out a ton. So my friend's suggestion comes at a perfect time. It's spring, I've planted my garden, I'm getting new roommates that are old friends, I am awaiting a summer of love and sun, so why not start off my body in the best way possible? Clean it up, clear it out and let it live to its fullest without my having to encourage it. So perhaps I will go to the library tomorrow and find a book on cleansing detoxes and read it outside in the sun.
I also miss writing letters. I used to be so good at it. I should also get some poetry books from the library. They might inspire me.
I think I just had an epiphany. I always have to talk about something for awhile before I understand it. Perhaps I have been letting my brain be trapped by my surroundings. I own so many books, I feel like I have to read all of them before I am allowed to go the library and get different ones. And I am moving soon, so my mindset is "Don't settle here, don't let your hair down yet and don't sink your roots in." So instead I've just settled for letting myself stagnate in this hot little apartment that I love, but am trapped by. Even now that I have a car, the only places I go are work, post office, Cait and Matt's. Not to the mountains, not to a river or lake, not to a coffee shop to just read and drink tea, not to the library.
Too bad I can't go to the library right now. Bummer.
Oh and I saw this beautiful burnt orange purse the other day that I want so so badly. I can't stop thinking about it. I think I'll buy that tomorrow too. :)

24 March 2009

A sick day

Today I woke up with the flu, I think. All of my bones and my muscles ached and even just rubbing my arm hurt, barely brushing it. I had to work at 9am so I took some Ibuprofen and fought it through. I was sweating with goosebumps when I got there, I looked terrible. My metro trainer was sympathetic and concerned, it was sweet.
Sometimes I feel like I put off this big show, like I know everything that is going on and I can conquer any challenge because I am that girl, that girl who has it together and is driven. I have been realizing lately that I dont always want to be that girl. It is empowering to start something and finish it with pride. I really like that feeling. But what about the feeling of taking on impossible tasks? Why do I put myself in situations that leave me feeling so out of control and worthess? Sometimes I try and do things that I think are fun or should be done or try to change things that need to be changed. And then I am anxious. And I wait around for someone to come along and tell me I messed up, I wasn't supposed to do that, I am not allowed to give myself so much credit.
Anxiety. Why is that all of a sudden my life and the lives around me are filled with so much anxiety? What is it about freedom that scares us so much? What is it about taking life full on, with two bare hands and senseless jobs, with richness in friendship and changing surroundings, that cradles and humiliates us?
. Oregon is supposed the be the best thing that is going to happen to me. But what if its not? What if I am casting all my hopes into something that will fail me? I am terrified of moving there. All those logical questions haunt my mind: will I find a job, will I make new friends, will I find a niche, will I like it, will I be homesick, will everything work out? I want more than anything else for my beautiful future to begin there. I am putting so much on the line for it. I am leaving so much behind for it. I am so anxious.

Everything is changing these days. Shifting ever so slightly that I barely notice. My body, my health, my attitude about things I once loved. My mind is slowly detatching itself, I think, from the past, from normalcy, from home. So this is the process of becoming an adult, every man an island. I want more than anything to find someone with which to share my island. This is my biggest hope for Oregon. And my biggest fear.

04 March 2009

Just for Fun

- Available: Yep...
- Age: 21
- Annoyance: Inconsiderate people
- Animal: Giraffe! or Bernese Mtn. Dogs

- Beer: Yum yum, my newest favorite is La Folie by New Belgium, a sour, citrusy beer, like champagne beer.
- Birthday: July 22
- Body Part on opposite sex: Back/shoulders : eyes
- Best feeling in the world: Being touched
- Blind or Deaf: Deaf
- Best weather: 70 degrees, sunny, slight breeze OR super rainstorm or cloudy day, it actually puts me in a good mood when its cloudy.
- Been in Love: I'm not convinced of what I think that is...
- Believe in Magic: Some kinds
- Believe in Santa: No

- Candy: Nerds, Sunny bears (Whole Foods brand gummy bears!)
- Color: Yellow, Turquoise, Fuchsia, Crimson...all colors. oh i know: jewel tones.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla.
- Chinese/Mexican Food: Yum yum, both.
- Cake or pie: Pie! Key lime.
- Continent to visit: Ohh, Europe, its my favorite.
- Cheese: All kinds...bleu cheese is even growing on me.

- Day or Night: I am beginning to enjoy the day more and more, but I will always be a night owl.
- Dancing in the rain: Whenever it rains, which is why I am moving to place with lots!

- Eyes: I think they are green, they are probably really hazel, some people tell me they are blue (which I think is totally crazy!)
- Ever failed a class?: Nope

- First thoughts waking up: I set my alarm 15 minutes ahead so I can purposely snooze 15 more minutes, although the whole time I am just thinking of when I really have to get up. It's actually effective at waking my body up, just a little more gently.
- Food: Whole Foods consumes my life, except for the occasional bag of Doritos. ;)

- Greatest Fear: Not ever finding a companion, masks, not being true to myself
- Goals: To discover my true self and live in truth without shame
- Gum: Spearmint
- Get along with your parents? Mostly...
- Grand Kids: I want kids first, but definitely

- Hair Color: Currently: pomegranate chestnut
- Height: 5'7" and 3/4
- Happy: Almost always
- Holiday: Everyday
- How do you want to die: Peacefully with loved ones near by

- Ice Cream: Coconut or Cherry Garcia
- Instrument: I want to learn how to play piano, I hopefully will take lessons soon
- Jewelry: Dramatic necklaces and vintage-y earrings
- Job: Whole Foods: 3 hats: Store Green Mission Rep, Prep Foods Team Trainer, Fresh Pack

- Kids: A handful: Twins: Boy and Girl: Maddox and Merecedes, another boy: Kaiser...just suggestions. ;)
- Kickboxing or karate: Yoga, preferably Bikram
- Keep a journal? Numerous, but none consistent.

- Love: bears all things, believes all things , hopes all things,
endures all things
- Letter: I love letters, I love language...
- Laughed so hard you cried: Lots of times

- Milk flavor: Don't really like milk that much
- Movies: Varies: I like most kinds of movies, including some horror, surprisingly
- Motion sickness? Always! Air planes: "Is your sister pregnant?" - Flight Attendant "No, she gets motion sick" - Sisters...silly
- McD’s or BK: Gross, neither, although I do like Chick-fila a lot

- Number: 15

- One wish: To love and be loved

- Perfect Pizza: Supreme
- Pepsi/Coke: I like cherry coke, but ginger ale is my favorite soda

- Quality: Sincerity, Trustworthiness, Integrity, Honesty

- Reason to cry: Too many in the past month
- Reality T.V. : Umm, not reality but I like Lost and CSI: Las Vegas and Law and Order: SVU
- Radio Station: In the kitchen, 99.5 The Mountain or 107.5 or 95.7 the party
- Roll your tongue in a circle: Yes
- Ring size: ring finger 6 3/4, other than that varies

- Song: The Shins: Phantom Limb
- Salad Dressing: Paul Newman's Balsamic Vinaigrette
- Sushi: Occasionally
- Skinny dipped?: Yes...
- In the shower? Long and hot showers, super hot
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries, really sweet ones

- Tattoos? Yes, one.
- Time for bed: Good night: before 11pm. Bad night: 1:30am.
- Thunderstorms: Wonderful

- Unpredictable: Yeah, sometimes.

- Vacation spot(s): Greece, Hawaii, anywhere I haven't been.

- Weakness: Shoes, Forever 21, delicious food
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Oh gosh...I see parts of myself in all my friends, thats why we get along so well, we resonate.
- Who makes you laugh the most: Donovan
- Worst feeling: Hurting someone you love
- Wanted to be a model: Not really
- Worst Weather?: Wind! Wind! Wind!!

- X-Rays: A probably really bad for you

- Year it is now: 2009
- Yellow: So pretty

- Zoo animal: Giraffe, again.

17 February 2009

What is to be done

It is interesting to look back at my first post, the one where I said "I am stunned at how perfectly my life is turning out." How optimistic I was. And then February happened. And then...

- I broke up with boyfriend. Sad and heart-wrenching. I ended up bawling at work the next day.
- I went to the doctor the next morning and got poked and prodded and shots in both arms and blood work and first ever woman check up.
- I went out with my sweet married friends and my English lit friend and got hit on by a random stranger while the boys were in the bathroom. Then the waitress thought English lit boy and I were together because she could "sense the chemistry." There's no chemistry.
- I got asked out to the movies by a boy 6 days after I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm still ignoring it.
- My -ex-boyfriend thought we were back together after the first time I talked to him since the break-up and me saying "We can be yoga buddies with no committment" meant boy-girl again.
- My doctor called me at work and told me the worst news possible. I bawled at work again and this time got sent home.
- I called and told my mom the news and she says she loves me even though I've made so many mistakes. I believe her, finally.
- A guy friend at work bought me an orchid because I've had such a crappy month, bawling numerous times a week at work. My pretty new flower is named Penelope, like the cute movie named the same thing Lo and I watched last night. It was a fun and silly break from my overbearing life.
I have been reading a fantastic novel by Julia Alvarez, called In the Time of the Butterflies.
I have been writing poetry again and want to write more every waking moment.
I have been taking millions of naps and sleeping all the time. Does that mean I am depressed or am just overworked by life?
I am hopefully getting a new and bigger bed on Friday. I really hope this comes through.
I finally bought a yoga mat, it is beautiful.

Maybe I'll read some poetry, write some poetry, and then go to bed. My dream life is a lot more pleasing these days than my waking life.

12 February 2009

Things to enjoy...

I apparently really like lists, this blog has shown me that because my first, and now my third, posts are going to be list-like. This is a list of the things in life I am truly enjoying right now, amidst the many I am not, like 2 shots, blood work, and a sliced finger/thumbnail from shaving my legs.
I am enjoying...

- Quiddler!! Totally great, thanks Claire!
- Playing games with Cait and Matt: Quiddler, Scattergories, Cribbage, Stick 'Em, Yahtzee!!
- Lisel back in town and lunch dates
- Atomic Cowboy: bar/pizzeria/restuarant that has a huge stack of board games for customers to play while enjoying funky atmosphere
- Poetry workshop, thursday night plans (even though I am so bad at doing the poetry assignments)
- Lost with C & M, Leela's, new traditions
- Lo and her roomie love
- Red blanket
- New yellow coat I wear even when its too cold to wear it (thin and has 3/4 sleeves, but good enough!)
- H.B. (Lo, if you think about this one, you might get it)
- PLANTS!!! Avocado plants that are almost as tall as me...sort of.
- $25 electricity bill, so cheap!!
- Celeste, who keeps me warm and sings me songs and drives me around and plays in the mud
- Support of all my sweet friends, in times when I second guess and cry a lot
- Raqui's card - so sweet, I want to see pictures of you and scarf!
- Stocked pantry and freezer with lots of tasty foods
- Free rootbeer keg
- Whole Foods gift cards for my hard work and dedication
- Being appreciated, hearing from my boss that I am bragged about at work by other bosses, :)
- Yoga
- Simply Orange with Mango
- New bright red purse, huge and ridiculous!

08 February 2009

This is a broken girl...

Some things are really hard to finish. For the sake of my mental and emotional health, this is something I need to end.
I have never done this before, I am scared of all the other things that come with breaking up. Like getting my stuff back from his house. Like deleting his number from my phone. Like having to remind myself I dont have permission to call at anytime anymore. Like I will be going to yoga alone....how do I do all these things? I am a Literature major, I know how to work my way with words, so of course the letter was the easiest part. Now I get to deal with the heart-wrenching stuff...
I finished it tonight. It was really really hard. I've never been the reason someone ended up so sad and broken before. I keep second guessing myself, is this really what I want? Will this really make things better? I learned how to love someone so deeply without knowing why or understanding it. By no means was he perfect but by no means am I. I learned so much from him. Does he really deserve this? I don't want this to be easy, but it hurts too bad to want it to continue. The only thing I can do it move forward.
I already miss him so much.

27 January 2009

Things I Know are True

Post-Graduate life has surprised me. I am busier than I thought I would be. I didn't even have time to call my best friend the week she moved across this country. I hardly ever see my boyfriend, once a week usually, twice if we are really strategic (ie I drive out to see him for 10 minutes at his new Whole Foods). I spend most of my days at the post office, mailing books that inevitably get lost by the postal service (GRRR!!). Otherwise, I am at work or in my bed, eyes closed, brain still whirring.

I am also doing some really exciting things too. I joined a poetry workshop with some good friends, Sally and Connor. I am excited to write poetry consistently and to make new Denver friends, especially poetic ones! I am going to hang out with Caitlin and Matt at least once a week to watch Lost and catch up. They are so dear to me and I am moving across the country with them. I cannot wait til we live together, dogs and parties and family dinners!!! I am the new Green Mission Store Rep at work which means I am in charge of encouraging and teaching all Team Members and customers how to live "green." I am incredibly stoked!! I have so many ideas I want to put in place before I leave in August. I am hopefully going to Hawaii for a month in March, to see whales and the sun and read, read, read on the beach. Maybe I can wait tables in my spare time or become a surf bum, who knows!!??

I am also reading a fantastic book: Eat, Pray, Love. The author, Liz Gilbert, goes on a life journey after an awful divorce, to clear her mind and rediscover herself. She travels to Italy, India, and the Indonesia for four months each. Her journey is remarkable and her self-acutalization process is beautiful, and totally contagious. I highly suggest this book to all women who itch to travel, although you must take caution, because you might abandon your life and fly to some random country because of it. :)
There are some things I have rediscovered about myself by reading her book, there are much more than what I have listed.

Things I Know are True:

  • I want to travel, I want to live in another country, I want to live in many other countries.
  • I am afraid the above means leaving behind many relationships, including any romantic ones.
  • I don't want to get married, not for now at least. I think I am actually a lot hesitant and a little scared of it because of my past and because of my selfishness to live only the life I want.
  • I tried yoga for the first time the other day, it was fantastic, cleansed by my own sweat!
  • I don't think I will ever be religious again.
  • I live vicariously through books and revel in the characters' accomplishments, sometimes I wonder if I will ever accomplish all my huge, beautiful dreams.
  • I am satisfied with my current life.
  • I am finding comfort in my own skin.
  • I have a new car, and with it lots of new bills, but I think I'm going to make it. I am learning how to budget and I am proud of that.
  • I love being a "grown up" more than the average individual.
  • I miss my sweet cousins! That summer we lived together revolutionized my life, thank you, thank you.
  • I love cooking.
  • I can't wait to have grown kids who come home for the holidays.
  • Most days I am stunned at how perfectly my life is turning out...