17 February 2009

What is to be done

It is interesting to look back at my first post, the one where I said "I am stunned at how perfectly my life is turning out." How optimistic I was. And then February happened. And then...

- I broke up with boyfriend. Sad and heart-wrenching. I ended up bawling at work the next day.
- I went to the doctor the next morning and got poked and prodded and shots in both arms and blood work and first ever woman check up.
- I went out with my sweet married friends and my English lit friend and got hit on by a random stranger while the boys were in the bathroom. Then the waitress thought English lit boy and I were together because she could "sense the chemistry." There's no chemistry.
- I got asked out to the movies by a boy 6 days after I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm still ignoring it.
- My -ex-boyfriend thought we were back together after the first time I talked to him since the break-up and me saying "We can be yoga buddies with no committment" meant boy-girl again.
- My doctor called me at work and told me the worst news possible. I bawled at work again and this time got sent home.
- I called and told my mom the news and she says she loves me even though I've made so many mistakes. I believe her, finally.
- A guy friend at work bought me an orchid because I've had such a crappy month, bawling numerous times a week at work. My pretty new flower is named Penelope, like the cute movie named the same thing Lo and I watched last night. It was a fun and silly break from my overbearing life.
I have been reading a fantastic novel by Julia Alvarez, called In the Time of the Butterflies.
I have been writing poetry again and want to write more every waking moment.
I have been taking millions of naps and sleeping all the time. Does that mean I am depressed or am just overworked by life?
I am hopefully getting a new and bigger bed on Friday. I really hope this comes through.
I finally bought a yoga mat, it is beautiful.

Maybe I'll read some poetry, write some poetry, and then go to bed. My dream life is a lot more pleasing these days than my waking life.

12 February 2009

Things to enjoy...

I apparently really like lists, this blog has shown me that because my first, and now my third, posts are going to be list-like. This is a list of the things in life I am truly enjoying right now, amidst the many I am not, like 2 shots, blood work, and a sliced finger/thumbnail from shaving my legs.
I am enjoying...

- Quiddler!! Totally great, thanks Claire!
- Playing games with Cait and Matt: Quiddler, Scattergories, Cribbage, Stick 'Em, Yahtzee!!
- Lisel back in town and lunch dates
- Atomic Cowboy: bar/pizzeria/restuarant that has a huge stack of board games for customers to play while enjoying funky atmosphere
- Poetry workshop, thursday night plans (even though I am so bad at doing the poetry assignments)
- Lost with C & M, Leela's, new traditions
- Lo and her roomie love
- Red blanket
- New yellow coat I wear even when its too cold to wear it (thin and has 3/4 sleeves, but good enough!)
- H.B. (Lo, if you think about this one, you might get it)
- PLANTS!!! Avocado plants that are almost as tall as me...sort of.
- $25 electricity bill, so cheap!!
- Celeste, who keeps me warm and sings me songs and drives me around and plays in the mud
- Support of all my sweet friends, in times when I second guess and cry a lot
- Raqui's card - so sweet, I want to see pictures of you and scarf!
- Stocked pantry and freezer with lots of tasty foods
- Free rootbeer keg
- Whole Foods gift cards for my hard work and dedication
- Being appreciated, hearing from my boss that I am bragged about at work by other bosses, :)
- Yoga
- Simply Orange with Mango
- New bright red purse, huge and ridiculous!

08 February 2009

This is a broken girl...

Some things are really hard to finish. For the sake of my mental and emotional health, this is something I need to end.
I have never done this before, I am scared of all the other things that come with breaking up. Like getting my stuff back from his house. Like deleting his number from my phone. Like having to remind myself I dont have permission to call at anytime anymore. Like I will be going to yoga alone....how do I do all these things? I am a Literature major, I know how to work my way with words, so of course the letter was the easiest part. Now I get to deal with the heart-wrenching stuff...
I finished it tonight. It was really really hard. I've never been the reason someone ended up so sad and broken before. I keep second guessing myself, is this really what I want? Will this really make things better? I learned how to love someone so deeply without knowing why or understanding it. By no means was he perfect but by no means am I. I learned so much from him. Does he really deserve this? I don't want this to be easy, but it hurts too bad to want it to continue. The only thing I can do it move forward.
I already miss him so much.