24 March 2009

A sick day

Today I woke up with the flu, I think. All of my bones and my muscles ached and even just rubbing my arm hurt, barely brushing it. I had to work at 9am so I took some Ibuprofen and fought it through. I was sweating with goosebumps when I got there, I looked terrible. My metro trainer was sympathetic and concerned, it was sweet.
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Sometimes I feel like I put off this big show, like I know everything that is going on and I can conquer any challenge because I am that girl, that girl who has it together and is driven. I have been realizing lately that I dont always want to be that girl. It is empowering to start something and finish it with pride. I really like that feeling. But what about the feeling of taking on impossible tasks? Why do I put myself in situations that leave me feeling so out of control and worthess? Sometimes I try and do things that I think are fun or should be done or try to change things that need to be changed. And then I am anxious. And I wait around for someone to come along and tell me I messed up, I wasn't supposed to do that, I am not allowed to give myself so much credit.
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Anxiety. Why is that all of a sudden my life and the lives around me are filled with so much anxiety? What is it about freedom that scares us so much? What is it about taking life full on, with two bare hands and senseless jobs, with richness in friendship and changing surroundings, that cradles and humiliates us?
. Oregon is supposed the be the best thing that is going to happen to me. But what if its not? What if I am casting all my hopes into something that will fail me? I am terrified of moving there. All those logical questions haunt my mind: will I find a job, will I make new friends, will I find a niche, will I like it, will I be homesick, will everything work out? I want more than anything else for my beautiful future to begin there. I am putting so much on the line for it. I am leaving so much behind for it. I am so anxious.
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Everything is changing these days. Shifting ever so slightly that I barely notice. My body, my health, my attitude about things I once loved. My mind is slowly detatching itself, I think, from the past, from normalcy, from home. So this is the process of becoming an adult, every man an island. I want more than anything to find someone with which to share my island. This is my biggest hope for Oregon. And my biggest fear.

04 March 2009

Just for Fun

A
- Available: Yep...
- Age: 21
- Annoyance: Inconsiderate people
- Animal: Giraffe! or Bernese Mtn. Dogs

B
- Beer: Yum yum, my newest favorite is La Folie by New Belgium, a sour, citrusy beer, like champagne beer.
- Birthday: July 22
- Body Part on opposite sex: Back/shoulders : eyes
- Best feeling in the world: Being touched
- Blind or Deaf: Deaf
- Best weather: 70 degrees, sunny, slight breeze OR super rainstorm or cloudy day, it actually puts me in a good mood when its cloudy.
- Been in Love: I'm not convinced of what I think that is...
- Believe in Magic: Some kinds
- Believe in Santa: No

C
- Candy: Nerds, Sunny bears (Whole Foods brand gummy bears!)
- Color: Yellow, Turquoise, Fuchsia, Crimson...all colors. oh i know: jewel tones.
- Chocolate/Vanilla: Vanilla.
- Chinese/Mexican Food: Yum yum, both.
- Cake or pie: Pie! Key lime.
- Continent to visit: Ohh, Europe, its my favorite.
- Cheese: All kinds...bleu cheese is even growing on me.

D
- Day or Night: I am beginning to enjoy the day more and more, but I will always be a night owl.
- Dancing in the rain: Whenever it rains, which is why I am moving to place with lots!

E
- Eyes: I think they are green, they are probably really hazel, some people tell me they are blue (which I think is totally crazy!)
- Ever failed a class?: Nope

F
- First thoughts waking up: I set my alarm 15 minutes ahead so I can purposely snooze 15 more minutes, although the whole time I am just thinking of when I really have to get up. It's actually effective at waking my body up, just a little more gently.
- Food: Whole Foods consumes my life, except for the occasional bag of Doritos. ;)

G
- Greatest Fear: Not ever finding a companion, masks, not being true to myself
- Goals: To discover my true self and live in truth without shame
- Gum: Spearmint
- Get along with your parents? Mostly...
- Grand Kids: I want kids first, but definitely

I
- Hair Color: Currently: pomegranate chestnut
- Height: 5'7" and 3/4
- Happy: Almost always
- Holiday: Everyday
- How do you want to die: Peacefully with loved ones near by

I
- Ice Cream: Coconut or Cherry Garcia
- Instrument: I want to learn how to play piano, I hopefully will take lessons soon
J
- Jewelry: Dramatic necklaces and vintage-y earrings
- Job: Whole Foods: 3 hats: Store Green Mission Rep, Prep Foods Team Trainer, Fresh Pack

K
- Kids: A handful: Twins: Boy and Girl: Maddox and Merecedes, another boy: Kaiser...just suggestions. ;)
- Kickboxing or karate: Yoga, preferably Bikram
- Keep a journal? Numerous, but none consistent.

L
- Love: bears all things, believes all things , hopes all things,
endures all things
- Letter: I love letters, I love language...
- Laughed so hard you cried: Lots of times

M
- Milk flavor: Don't really like milk that much
- Movies: Varies: I like most kinds of movies, including some horror, surprisingly
- Motion sickness? Always! Air planes: "Is your sister pregnant?" - Flight Attendant "No, she gets motion sick" - Sisters...silly
- McD’s or BK: Gross, neither, although I do like Chick-fila a lot

N
- Number: 15

O
- One wish: To love and be loved

P
- Perfect Pizza: Supreme
- Pepsi/Coke: I like cherry coke, but ginger ale is my favorite soda


Q
- Quality: Sincerity, Trustworthiness, Integrity, Honesty

R
- Reason to cry: Too many in the past month
- Reality T.V. : Umm, not reality but I like Lost and CSI: Las Vegas and Law and Order: SVU
- Radio Station: In the kitchen, 99.5 The Mountain or 107.5 or 95.7 the party
- Roll your tongue in a circle: Yes
- Ring size: ring finger 6 3/4, other than that varies

S
- Song: The Shins: Phantom Limb
- Salad Dressing: Paul Newman's Balsamic Vinaigrette
- Sushi: Occasionally
- Skinny dipped?: Yes...
- In the shower? Long and hot showers, super hot
- Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries, really sweet ones

T
- Tattoos? Yes, one.
- Time for bed: Good night: before 11pm. Bad night: 1:30am.
- Thunderstorms: Wonderful

U
- Unpredictable: Yeah, sometimes.

V
- Vacation spot(s): Greece, Hawaii, anywhere I haven't been.


W
- Weakness: Shoes, Forever 21, delicious food
- Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Oh gosh...I see parts of myself in all my friends, thats why we get along so well, we resonate.
- Who makes you laugh the most: Donovan
- Worst feeling: Hurting someone you love
- Wanted to be a model: Not really
- Worst Weather?: Wind! Wind! Wind!!

X
- X-Rays: A probably really bad for you

Y
- Year it is now: 2009
- Yellow: So pretty

Z
- Zoo animal: Giraffe, again.