24 March 2009

A sick day

Today I woke up with the flu, I think. All of my bones and my muscles ached and even just rubbing my arm hurt, barely brushing it. I had to work at 9am so I took some Ibuprofen and fought it through. I was sweating with goosebumps when I got there, I looked terrible. My metro trainer was sympathetic and concerned, it was sweet.
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Sometimes I feel like I put off this big show, like I know everything that is going on and I can conquer any challenge because I am that girl, that girl who has it together and is driven. I have been realizing lately that I dont always want to be that girl. It is empowering to start something and finish it with pride. I really like that feeling. But what about the feeling of taking on impossible tasks? Why do I put myself in situations that leave me feeling so out of control and worthess? Sometimes I try and do things that I think are fun or should be done or try to change things that need to be changed. And then I am anxious. And I wait around for someone to come along and tell me I messed up, I wasn't supposed to do that, I am not allowed to give myself so much credit.
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Anxiety. Why is that all of a sudden my life and the lives around me are filled with so much anxiety? What is it about freedom that scares us so much? What is it about taking life full on, with two bare hands and senseless jobs, with richness in friendship and changing surroundings, that cradles and humiliates us?
. Oregon is supposed the be the best thing that is going to happen to me. But what if its not? What if I am casting all my hopes into something that will fail me? I am terrified of moving there. All those logical questions haunt my mind: will I find a job, will I make new friends, will I find a niche, will I like it, will I be homesick, will everything work out? I want more than anything else for my beautiful future to begin there. I am putting so much on the line for it. I am leaving so much behind for it. I am so anxious.
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Everything is changing these days. Shifting ever so slightly that I barely notice. My body, my health, my attitude about things I once loved. My mind is slowly detatching itself, I think, from the past, from normalcy, from home. So this is the process of becoming an adult, every man an island. I want more than anything to find someone with which to share my island. This is my biggest hope for Oregon. And my biggest fear.

1 comment:

raqui said...

i hope you are finally feeling better. i love your writing. you are beautiful and honest and it is so appreciated. i love you.