06 July 2009

Timing is everything...

My life has been spinning in chaotic circles this summer. Oy! My future has never been so unsure and my heart has never been so distracted and anxious. That same anxiety I wrote about awhile ago, only so much more intense since my future plans have changed 18 times in the past week and a half. Here's what all my options are, essentially:

1. Eugene, OR: The original plan was to move with Cait and Matt to Eugene...we all wanted to go to Oregon, so we all waited anxiously to find out where Matt would get accepted for law school. Lucky for him, and us, he got into U of O in Eugene. We then all began planning our future there. We would all live in a house, buy puppies, and *cross your fingers* find good jobs.
Conundrum: I started getting super super worried about finding a job in the state that has one of the worst unemployment rates right now, I got nervous about moving to Eugene, since I had originally wanted to move to Portland, I got nervous things would be way too stressful and that I was infringing on Cait and Matt's crucial first years of marriage.
Comfort: I would be living with two great friends and we would have each other during the stress of moving, and have the beginnings of a community we all felt comfortable in. I would have a puppy!! I would still be in beautiful Oregon.

2. Portland, OR: My back-up plan, when I started getting freaked out at the thought of Eugene, was "okay Kait, you can still just move to Portland on your own...you can be strong and do it alone." So I looked up shared rooms on craigslist, and one bedroom apartments, and got really disheartened. I emailed a few people but everyone needed someone by July. It seemed I was looking too soon, but to me, my August 14th move out date felt like tomorrow and I wanted to find a place now. Stablity now!!
Conundrum: Moving alone, knowing only two people in the whole city (a different married couple that I know that lives in Vancover, WA, 20 minutes from Portland), being alone in a big city, having to rebuild a community of friends and being to stressed out to see that as a fun adventure.
Comfort: Knowing Katherine and Caleb close by, getting a puppy, being in Portland and being strong enough to follow my dreams regardless of fears and challenges, transferring to a Whole Foods in Portland, thus solving the stressful job situation.

3. Denver, CO: Finally, after chatting with a close friend/boss at work, and really hearing his advice about moving cross-country, I started allowing myself to realize maybe this timing is all just off. Nothing was falling together well, my money saving wasn't going as well as I planned, my anxiety was kicking my ass and making me not even want to go anywhere! But if I stayed for a bit, I could get the raise in August and keep making a higher amount than I would probably get anywhere else just starting off, I could stay in this community that I love and figure everything out, and I could save way more money, and maybe make time to travel, like to Hawaii to stay with my dad for a month or so.
Conundrum: Staying in Denver and feeling like I've given up on my dream, or just postponed it for even longer. Having to deal with another CO winter and not being excited about that. Finding somewhere to live here: mom's (too far), Chelsea's (too far)...somewhere? With a stranger?
Comfort: Staying with all the friends I've made and treasure so much, having a secure job that I love (most days), getting a puppy!! Saving more money so that I can actually afford to move and not be stressing about that on top of everything else.

Soooo....with all of these choices, basically everyday for the past week and half/two weeks, I would wake up every morning and have my mind made up, and I would eat lunch and decide on a different plan, and I would try and go to sleep but choose a different in my restlessness. AWFUL!!
But the best news ever is that I have solidified (for the most part) what I am truly going to do. It all just fell together, and the timing feels right, and its the most content I've felt so far about any of those above plans.

4. Denver, CO: My new plan is to stay in Denver for at least 6 more months, move in with so awesome friends from work, live even closer to work that I am now (which seems impossible: now I live 1 mile away, with them I will live like .75 miles away). There is a house they are planning to rent with 3 bedrooms, dogs are totally allowed, its super close and keeps my rent super cheap and about the same as I've been paying. Plus, I get so excited to live with them because they are soo freaking fun! I'll get to buy my sweet little puppy Caroline, and save money for moving (whenever that will end up being), go to Hawaii for January and see the whales. Then I'll have a place to live when I come back, but can also pick up then and leave for Portland if I want. Also, I am planning (for the most part) to enroll in grad school in the fall of 2010. I want to go to Reed College in Portland, so moving up there right before school would work, or I could move in the spring of 2010 and get settled in and then go to school in the fall.
Conundrum: Pretty much nothing...
Comfort: Pretty much everything...

I don't feel like I am giving up, I feel like I am making the smart choice and waiting for the right time when my mind and my financials and everything else important is all in line and content. I don't feel like I am abandoning anyone, I feel like I am going to grow a lot by living with new people, by investing in this community I love for a little bit longer, and being around my family for a little longer than I thought. I don't feel like I am letting anxiety get the best of me and letting it keep me stuck in a place I've told myself I don't want to be. I feel like I am making adult choices but also discovering my boundaries, what I can handle, what I can't handle, and what I will refuse to handle.

Let me know what you think...I am loving all kinds of advice right now and I would love to hear your moving stories, or horrors, your worries or fears that you've conquered or diverted, or the beauty you have found in doing the scary thing and finding it totally safe.

1 comment:

Lisel said...

I'm proud of you, you know my stories, the adventures, the willing to to just up and go, sometimes for me it's harder to stay... So I'm glad you'll be here for now! I'm excited to meet little miss caroline, have dinner dates with you, and keep being sweet friends near or far! Let's get together when you get back from the wedding, you wanna come cliff jumping on the 25th you can't move away without doing that ;)
You know just taking the jump is so good for us, regardless of where our feet land!