22 November 2009

I Cannot Undo Myself

Its always when you think everything is going so well that the scale gets tipped and everything falls to pieces...again.
Recently, I have been so pleased with life. I visited my two best friends in their new homes and had amazing adventures with both of them in the past two months. I went to Breckenridge with some of the people I care about the most in this world. I am happy at work, I am making such good friendships and really treasure every conversation. I have a wonderful cute little puppy who makes me sigh and smile just thinking about him. I have a new man in my life who is amazing and honest and fun and supports me and talks to me and listens to me.
And yet, tonight I am home alone, on my bed, Reuben in his kennel, and I'm crying, because everything seems so shitty. I made the decision to stay in Colorado this summer because I thought everything would fall apart if I moved. It was too fast and I was scared. But nothing got solved. In fact, I'm pretty sure things just got worse. My boyfriend of two years and I broke up, I realized I missed the chance of moving to the place I want to be, Oregon, with two of my best friends, and I am still stuck here in Denver...the one place I cannot stand.
Why, why Kaitlin, what are you doing?
Here are my frustrations:
- Reuben is so much work - he has chewed everything, I probably don't own a piece of clothing without chewed holes in it, he has mostly been good with training, but recently he runs away from me, escapes out of the backyard, doesn't listen when I say no, and still bites me so hard I have bleeding cuts on my hands and arms.
- I don't have any really good girlfriends nearby that I can go to coffee with or sleepover or get drunk with or cry with. It's just not the same on the phone and I miss you both sooo sooo much.
- My family is in shreds - I never talk to my sisters, I avoid my mother at all costs for no reason, and when my dad called me a couple weeks ago I prayed I would get his voicemail so I wouldn't actually have to have a real conversation with him.
- I am interested/dating this guy that I can't even talk about because work won't allow it and every day I am forced to lie by omission to my friends about it because we would both get fired. Not to mention, I hardly ever get to see him because he works the total opposite of my schedule, so opposite that I can't even call him when I get off because he is sleeping, and he can't call me when he gets off because I am going into work.
I am tired of not being in control of my life. I want to go to grad school but I am so freaked out of more loans. And applying is a freaking dinosaur too. I want to move to Oregon but the economy sucks so I can't afford it. I want to travel the world but I have $0 savings. I want to love my family for what they are and not resent them for what they aren't. I want to be with the people I love constantly and my heart seriously breaks every time I have to leave. I want a companion - so I got a dog and love him to death but have such a hard time with him. I want a person who I can share my life with, who will share my burdens and take over for a minute so I can cry, or sleep, or watch a movie, or just be absent for a second. I want to write poetry again, and not "college girl" poetry.
So there it is...the overblown, exaggerated broken shards of my life. And my room smells like dog fart and my sweatshirt is covered in my dinner and puppy's blood (he lost his first tooth tonight) and my toes are cold. And I am totally broke til Friday.
And I miss you all so much. Its unbelievable how much.
The theme the other night at work was "Be chipper." We had a call-out and were working with people who are way less than stellar at their jobs. So here's my reminder to myself, reasons to be chipper:
- Thursday is Thanksgiving, my favorite food and favorite time of year. And Lisel and Claire time.
- Reuben likes to chase his tail and catches it and yanks on it so hard he almost falls over. Cute. And he is the softest puppy in the world.
- Last night an old friend came back to town and while driving him around, he said I would be such a good mother because I am so sweet and would love my kids so well. He totally doesn't know how much that means to me.
- I have new sheets from IKEA - they are eggplant purple. And a new duvet cover that is lime green and vintage=y.
- Caitlin and I went shopping in Portland and fell in love with it. And I got my first dress from Anthropolgie!
- I have friends at work who remind me every day of how beautiful I am.
- I am almost done reading the Harry Potter series - two more books to go.
- I may be applying for a Payroll and Benefits Specialist job at Whole Foods - which would be a raise, fun, challenging, and would make me feel successful and like a college graduate. (it's at a new store which would be hard, Kyle's store actually...but maybe its worth it. Then I could actually date the boy from my store publicly.)
- Maybe I'll ask for a bike for Christmas. I really really want a new one...cute old vintage cruiser/road bike. :)
- I get to sleep in tomorrow.