17 April 2013

...Cold and Planetary.

This is the light of the mind, cold and planetary.
The trees of the mind are black. The light is blue.
The grasses unload their griefs on my feet as if I were God,
Prickling my ankles and murmuring of their humility.
Fumy, spiritous mists inhabit this place
Separated from my house by a row of headstones.
I simply cannot see where there is to get to.

The moon is no door. It is a face in its own right,
White as a knuckle and terribly upset.
It drags the sea after it like a dark crime; it is quiet
With the O-gape of complete despair. I live here.
Twice on Sunday, the bells startle the sky——
Eight great tongues affirming the Resurrection.
At the end, they soberly bong out their names.

The yew tree points up. It has a Gothic shape.
The eyes lift after it and find the moon.
The moon is my mother. She is not sweet like Mary.
Her blue garments unloose small bats and owls.
How I would like to believe in tenderness——
The face of the effigy, gentled by candles,
Bending, on me in particular, its mild eyes.

I have fallen a long way. Clouds are flowering
Blue and mystical over the face of the stars.
Inside the church, the saints will be all blue,
Floating on their delicate feet over the cold pews,
Their hands and faces stiff with holiness.
The moon sees nothing of this. She is bald and wild.
And the message of the yew tree is blackness—blackness and silence.
S. Plath
Back in the early days of psychology, before psychology was a word or a science, shamans and healers would drill holes into the skulls of maniacal people in an effort to release the demons trapped inside the mind.  Some days I wish someone would drill a hole in my head and let all the frenzied thoughts I carry around go free.  
I have had an upheaval.  I took my life by the reins and then directly threw myself off my horse.  I am in recovery.  I do not understand my injuries, nor can I comprehend the injuries my actions have had on others.  But from where I stand it seems like everyone is hurting.  
2012 was the year of the Dragon - here are some attributes of last year that coincide with Chinese astrology and my personal experience:
 - Enthusiastic to a fault
 - Pride before acceptance of help
 - Generous yet solitary
 - Self-sufficient
 - Take thrilling but irresponsible risks
 - Suffer from emotional outbursts
 - Have a true and sincere love that comes from the depths of their hearts
 - Imaginative, see new paths, take radical approaches 
 - They have true and sincere love, which comes from the depths of their hearts.
 - Innate explorative spirit and  try to succeed at one stroke.  
2013 is the year of the Snake - Snake characteristics are: 
 - Attractive but cunning
 - Charming and passionate but mysterious and dark
 - Plotting and strategic
 - Overly suspicious
 - Poor communicators
 - Possessive
This year has humbled and frightened me.  I am taking caution with every step now.  I need to mourn.  I need to heal.  I need to rediscover love, for myself, for others.  I need to write. And read. And rest. I need more sunshine.
I look forward every day to 2 tangible things:  Greece and gardening.  
This will be the year of birth and rebirth.  The birth of my nephew (in June)!!!  And the rebirth of myself, the prodigal daughter, home and yet still out of place.

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